By Christina Shepherd McGuire
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I have a hard time with death. I avoid funerals and instead prefer to celebrate those who have passed in my own way, which typically involves a moment of silence in nature. So when faced with my own mortality while setting up our family trust and making my will, I admittedly backburnered my required deliverables until the last possible minute.
I’m proud of the life my husband, Justin, and I have built with our two kids, two businesses, and a house in the mountains — one in which lifestyle has always been our pinnacle value. And I’m super clear on the type of medical support I’d like to receive, should I suffer a terminal injury or illness that requires life-sustaining intervention (ouch, that one’s a kicker). Still, even while holding up the self-proclaimed “eternal ski bum” tag as an excuse, I knew this adulting task should have been tackled a long time ago.
Luckily, our dear friend Sarah Lien, of Sarah Lien Law in Driggs, who provides full-service estate-planning services, walked us through it.
Will vs. Trust
“A will is what’s called a ‘testamentary instrument.’ It only comes into play when a person dies,” explains Sarah. She says the sole purpose of a will is to give loved ones direction on asset distribution and identify guardians for minor children after death.
A trust “does everything that a will does,” Sarah notes, in that it allows you to identify how you would like assets to be distributed, but it also empowers people you know, love, and trust to help manage your assets during your lifetime in the unfortunate event you become incapacitated prior to death.
“Trusts also avoid the probate process,” she says, which, by state law, settles a deceased person’s estate by paying creditors and retitling assets. “Probate is not a great process to go through while grieving, as it’s a court process, which positions someone who does not know you to make the decisions.”
If, like Justin and me, you’ve put off estate and death planning until you’re, say, 50, what’s the best way to go, a will or a trust?
Sarah says deciding between a will and a trust depends mostly on the beneficiaries. She notes that trusts are often better for families with minor children, as they provide a seamless transition of assets via controlled distribution by a trusted person who manages the finances (a trustee), should both parents be deceased.
But if you slack and choose not to do either, then, Sarah says, “The state has a plan for you.”
Making Hard Decisions
The decision-making process tripped me up. It’s hard to imagine myself dead and ceding control to others. And it’s not the material things that I’m most concerned about; it’s the kids. Will my daughter, Olivia, age 19, have to make decisions on her own? Will she be in charge of taking care of her brother, Shea, still a minor at 17, while trying to figure out her own journey? Or will someone step in, say, my parents or a good friend, to help transition these young people to adulthood? Will the kids be in charge of making critical healthcare decisions should Justin and I both become incapacitated? If not, who will? It all seems surreal.
Sarah concurs. “I live and breathe this subject, but it just hits differently when you’re in it,” she says, noting that her father, who is in ill health, has no estate plan. “It’s been fascinating for me as a personal-processing piece to see how this planning — that people don’t want to do or that feels obtuse — affects things in real time.”
So we got to work unpacking the necessary tools, should something happen to Justin and me. First came the asset inventory and assigning a trustee responsible for asset distribution to Olivia and Shea. Next came deciding who would care for Shea until he became an adult. Of course, our parents were the obvious first choice, but they are aging and live far away, so we chose a close local friend instead (which sparked another hard conversation with her about whether or not she was even willing). Lastly came the question of what to do if Justin and I became debilitated and needed life-sustaining care. To be blunt, we had to decide whether or not to give loved ones the power to “pull the plug.” Somehow, for me, this decision was the easiest of the bunch. Still, I acknowledge this is not the norm for everyone, and admit it was hard to fathom.
The back-and-forth required between Justin, me, and Sarah involved reliving the past, acknowledging the present, and predicting the future. In the process, skeletons surfaced as we unpacked who we really trusted and what we liked, and mostly disliked, about how our own parents handled this process. Even as I’m writing this, I feel a knot in my chest — one that sometimes comes when facing realities and being truly honest with yourself and with each other. Does it really have to be this hard?
Sarah reassured us. “No family I work with is like the Cleavers,” she says. “Everybody has something, whether it’s emotional or family challenges … I’ve had clients have a hard time putting together their asset inventory; seeing it on paper is really hard for people. A lot of people have money dysmorphia … Literally everybody has something. It’s part of the human experience.”
Still, she reminded us that it’s her job to guide people, without judgment, towards a plan that sticks and works.
“You are the only one who can do the estate planning,” she reminds us, noting that the most important outcome is “giving your loved ones the peace of mind that you’ve set them up to deal with a circumstance that is both sad and hard.”
Mindful Planning for Mountain Peeps
As we proceeded with our decision-making — and got out of our own way in the process — it was clear to me that we hired Sarah to not only draft a stack of legal papers but also to be our guiding light. She explains that 30 to 40 percent of her clients have already started this process with someone else but never finished it. She says it’s important to find an estate planner you trust and feel safe with, as well as someone who will take you all the way from start to finish.
“My job is to distill all of the info I get — some is explicit — so I can key into those things, ask questions, and understand the nuances of people and their relationships.”
Sarah advises families to step into the space with recognition that they are the only ones who can do this. She provides encouragement and puts a time stamp on the deliverables, so things don’t feel daunting. And she acknowledges that some people have complex family stuff going on, so she offers the opportunity to change things.
“If you wake up in the middle of the night and keep thinking about [a certain] decision, then it’s probably not the right one. Let’s get on a call and change it,” she advises.
Sarah tells people to think about what they would want in the short term, not forever, and then she revisits with clients every three years to learn what has changed. She says this “prevents people from spinning around hypotheticals that create decision paralysis. Let’s just start with what you would want to happen now.”
Once we got through the decision-making part — figuring out what to do with the kids, assigning people to various roles, etc. — we were finally ready to sign and fund the trust. At this point, I felt like I was sowing the seeds for a ripe and fertile garden when the end of life comes.
But what I didn’t expect came after, and it is something that I’m sure not every estate planner offers. Sarah presented us with a list of questions she calls a “legacy interview.” These questions go well beyond the money in the bank account and the equity in the house, and force you to contemplate the true meaning of your existence. (I’m choking back tears as I write this.)
It includes questions like:
How did the two of you meet?
If you had to pick one word to describe each of [your kids], what would it be? Why?
What life lessons did you learn from your family?
If you could only choose 3 things for your family to remember about you when you’re gone, what would they be?
Soon, we will meet with Sarah again, and she will create an audio recording of our answers. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m actually looking forward to our legacy interview. It’s a way to keep our memories, our personalities, and our values intact, while recording and preserving Justin’s goofiness and my sentimentality.
Plus, I’m constantly telling my husband that I don’t want my ashes kept in a storage unit alongside items that need to go to the thrift store, and I tell my children that I want to be known as “the woman who always had fresh pesto in her fridge.”
Now’s my chance to make it official. tf
Estate and Death Planning Checklist/What do I need?
(according to Sarah)
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Everybody over the age of 18:
□ Healthcare directive and a financial power of attorney
□ Asset inventory (bank accounts, vehicles, property, etc.)
People with kids (minors or not):
□ Healthcare directive and a financial power of attorney
□ Asset inventory (bank accounts, vehicles, property, etc.)
□ Trust and a will that goes along with it, to appoint guardians for minor children
People without kids, but who have real property:
□ Healthcare directive and a financial power of attorney
□ Asset inventory (bank accounts, vehicles, property, etc.)
□ Trust (This depends on who the beneficiaries are and if you want to avoid probate.)
People with limited assets (less than $100,000) and no real property:
□ Healthcare directive and a financial power of attorney
□ Asset inventory (bank accounts, vehicles, possessions with monetary value, etc.)
□ Will
